would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
