My liver just broke up with me...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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