Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
