sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
