i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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