anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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