I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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