I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
