Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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