ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
