Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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