So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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