I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
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On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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