I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
