im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
