I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
