While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
