I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
