By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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