what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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