Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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