My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
