masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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