Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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