I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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