New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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