Me. At least after what I've been through.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
