the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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