My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
