And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
its liver damage thursday
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
