i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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