im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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