There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
