Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
