dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
