yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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