Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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