Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
