i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
