K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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