guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
and you fell through a lawn chair
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
