Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Every concussion has its silver lining
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
