she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
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I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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