why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
