I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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