I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
