did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
