he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
