Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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