he wants to bone in the snuggie
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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