Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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