I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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