Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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