his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
as a side note pls kill me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
