how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
