So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
